So, the moment has arrived – it’s Red Nose Day tomorrow and it’s bringing with it the long-awaited sequel to Love Actually.
I’m fairly sure Richard Curtis has it covered, but on the off-chance that he’s left anyone out, I thought I’d have a go at imagining what all the characters have been up to since we last met…
Juliet and Peter
After Peter’s best friend Egg-from-This Life/zombie-killer Rick (I do actually know he’s called Mark in Love Actually, but only because I looked it up on IMDB) declared his love for Juliet and ruined her wedding video, she persuaded her gullible hubby Peter to emigrate to Australia. They are now living happily Down Under far, far away from Peter’s creepy best mate, and Juliet manages to avoid all talk of Egg/Rick ever coming to stay. FYI Rick. That thing with the writing on the cards – not romantic. Weird. Very, very weird.
Laura Linney (she’s called Sarah, apparently. Yes, IMDB) realised long ago that you can be a good sister and have hot sex with hot Karl from the office. About time. That’s her Red Nose Day sorted.
On Christmas night, just as the action in the original Love Actually finishes, Daniel was visited by the ghost of his recently deceased wife. She pointed out that she’d only been dead for 10 sodding days so it was a bit soon to be making eyes at Claudia Schiffer. She also mentioned it was icky to be encouraging her son to be chasing after a girl when he was clearly only about eight. What he needed, she said, was a big cuddle, a selection box, and unlimited Minecraft. Luckily Daniel has seen the error of his ways and gone back to looking sad and wearing excellent knitwear. Well done, Daniel.
Aurelia decided she couldn’t marry a man who still used a typewriter and couldn’t be bothered to learn her language even when he wanted to get in her knickers. She and her sister have ditched Colin Firth (JAMIE! He’s called Jamie! I didn’t even have to look that one up) and their fat-shaming dad and have gone off round the world together in search of adventure.
Martine McCutcheon and Hugh Grant
She got really thin for her wedding to Hugh Grant. Now she spends her time being wheeled out at various political events and having to make small talk with identical middle-aged men in suits. She is never asked her opinion on anything. She cries herself to sleep most nights.
Harry and Karen (Let’s ignore lovely Alan Rickman’s untimely demise, and just go with the fiction, right?)
Harry’s wife left him after what he now thinks of as ‘the Joni Mitchell debacle’. He explores dark corners and does dark deeds with a succession of younger women who laugh at him behind his back. Harry’s cold, English ex-wife – Karen – is now Prime Minister. She buys her own necklaces.
The porn couple and Rab C Nesbitt
Just Judy and Martin Freeman (I’ve got to be honest, I’ve given up with names now) are happily married. They both have new jobs that allow them to keep their clothes on. You know who else is happily coupled up? Bill Nighy and Rab C Nesbitt. Am slightly hoping that this whole sequel is based at their wedding where Ant or Dec will be performing the ceremony.
Him from Death in Paradise
That chap from the BT ad went back to America and got lost somewhere in the Rockies. No one misses him.